Will you tell them?

A guy died. This guy was not someone I liked very well, nor was he well liked by my friends. We didn’t know at the time, but looking back my mind was so warped and far from the true gospel than I have ever could have imagined. He just so happened to be a part of the church leadership so there was no getting away from him and every week we sat intently waiting for him to show us some type of love that God had for us; yet all we received was rules and how sinful we had been. As a 12 year old girl who was already lost trying to figure out if she was saved or not, nothing seemed to be enough. I truly think I gave my life to Christ 22 times within a year because I never wanted to be unsaved. It was a constant cycle of feeling like I could never measure up to what God wanted me to be and having this mindset without any direction was so depressing and hopeless feeling. But as complacent as I was then didn’t compare to how angry I was later for him making me feel like I wasn’t enough of a “woman” and for making my friends feel like they didn’t belong anywhere. And anger is a hard drug to kick.

Of course it manifested over the years in to different things, but making sure that people knew the truth about God wasn't one of them and I regret that too this day. So many young girls were just like me and still feel like this too this day because of people like him. Jesus still died for him though. That thought kicked me in the gut because although he didn’t represent Jesus in the best way neither do I sometimes. We are all sinners and have fallen short. Especially now that he’s passed, forgiveness is not the easiest thing to dish out, but it wouldn’t be for him it would be for myself. The anger you hold onto isn’t doing anything but making you a vile person. This goes for people who have passed on or for those who are still here with us. Our pastor at church has been challenging us to pray with people who we know are far from God or don’t know Him at all and this can be a tall task to tackle. You never think that it would be, but talking about Jesus is hard. You don’t want to mess it up, you don’t want to offend people, but they deserve to know that something can fill that empty whole in their lives. Then there is the other end of the spectrum; pray with those who are saved but feel like they’re so far from God. We remind them that they’re already loved, they can stop the striving; I just wish someone had told me that years ago and I could have saved a lot of heartache wondering if I was going to be in heaven or not.

This blog is not to make you feel sad for me in any way, it’s to make you aware that church hurt is real, but you’re the solution. People need to know that there are good Christians who show love before hate and want people to come as they are. Invite someone to church, pray with them, do the hard thing and step out of your comfort zone. Who knows you just might be talking to someone who just needs a sign that God still loves them and what people have told them in the past is not true. If you don't already know it today, you are enough. And if you're a sinner just like me Jesus still loves you. 

May the peace and love of God be with you always,

Leah Carpenter Hagaman